Coma
by Anne Bensler
Summary: "They told me you might be able to hear me so I want you to know I'm here. I don't know how this stuff works but I've heard about people in a coma that could hear everything so … I'm here Liv. We're not gonna give up on you. So you gotta hang in there too, okay?" Fin sighs and I can feel his sadness. I'm in a coma? First person story.
1. Chapter 1

1.

The first thing I register is the beeps.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Then I start to wonder where I am. Am I lying down? It seems that way. I try to open my eyes, only to find out that I can't.

I do feel very sleepy. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. I'll feel better after I've had some rest.

I think I must be dreaming. I can hear people talking - whispering - around me, but I can't see them. I think they can't see me either because they're talking about me as if I'm not even there. I'm not really sure what they're saying about me, but they don't seem happy. I think I heard something about a swelling. I want to speak up but I can't.

This is a weird dream.

...

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

I'm still here, wherever 'here' is.

I'm sure I've been asleep for quite a while but I still can't open my eyes. I've heard voices more often and I'm starting to think they're real. I hope there's someone here this time too. I try to open my mouth to say something, but I can't speak. Is there something in my throat? I try to move my hands to feel my throat, but I can't move them. In fact, I am unable to move at all!

Am I paralyzed?

What is that beeping anyway? My heartbeat? Am I in a hospital? If so, how did I get here?

I'm trying not to panic. I have to remember what happened. What's the last thing I remember before waking up here, with the beeps? Maybe if I unravel that part, I will be able to move again.

I can hear someone come in and I strain my ears to hear them. Why can't I open my eyes? Who's there?

I hear humming. It's a man's voice and he's standing close to me. I can sense his proximity without seeing him. He's fidgeting with something. I feel helpless because I can't speak and I have a dull headache that seems to be getting worse. I want to know what this man is doing. I want to know what's wrong with me. The man leaves and I' m feeling increasingly frustrated. After a few minutes, I go back to trying to figure out how I got here, wherever 'here' is.

We were working on a case. Of course we were. I'm starting to remember. We were in that house … I remember going down the stairs … I'm remembering.

Our perp was very violent and possibly armed, so we had some extra uniforms with us. TARU told us his phone was in this house so we went in. Nick first. I followed him, one of the uniforms would go around the back and the other one went in after me. We all split up. I think it's the first time I let Nick take the lead like that since he became my partner two months ago. I remember Nick running up the stairs and I went down into the basement. What happened next, seems to play out in slow motion inside my head. I walk down the stairs slowly, my gun drawn. I see movement to my left, next to the stairs. The instant I point my gun in that direction, something solid hits my arm and my gun flies out of my hand. I watch the gun hit the opposite wall but I shouldn't have followed the gun with my eyes. The man - I think it was the man we were looking for - swings again and I hear a cracking sound even before I feel the impact against the back of my head. I start falling forward down the stairs but everything fades to black even before I hit the ground.

So I was knocked out. That explains the headache, although it seems to be subsiding a little again. Maybe that's what that man was doing here, I think. Giving me more pain medication. I'm starting to feel drowsy now. I guess it's a strong medicine. I'd better get some more sleep. It's not like I have a lot of choice in the matter.

...

"Hey Liv. It's me, Fin."

Finally. A familiar voice. I strain to open my eyes but it's as if my brain is completely disconnected from my body. I can't move a single muscle in my face. All I can do is listen to my friend.

"They told me you might be able to hear me so I want you to know I'm here. I don't know how this stuff works but I've heard about people in a coma that could hear everything so … I'm here Liv. We're not gonna give up on you. So you gotta hang in there too, okay?"

Fin sighs and I can feel his sadness. I'm in a coma?

"There's still some swelling in your brain but they tell me it's going down already so that's good. And you're breathing on your own. I guess I'm telling myself you're gonna be okay. You gotta wake up and be okay, alright?"

Fin sighs again. I know he isn't one for a public display of emotions and I wish I could reach out to him. Tell him I'm still here and that I want to wake up too. I'm not really asleep but that must be what it looks like. I can't move a single finger or even an eyelid.

I want to ask Fin why it feels like there's something in my throat but I can't speak. Someone else comes in and I hear Fin ask the person,

"Are you sure she isn't in any pain?"

"Well, we check her brain activity from time to time, sir. We haven't picked up any signs of distress so far. The sedative and painkillers are pretty strong so you shouldn't expect her to wake up just yet."

I want to scoff. I'm wide awake, lady. Whatever you're putting in me, it's not knocking me out completely.

"Alright. I just don't want her to be in any pain."

"I'm just changing her IV bag now sir. We're making sure her pain medication is never below a certain level and this also helps her sleep."

"That's good. Thank you."

"You're welcome sir. Your friend is in good hands with us."

Fin sits with me for a while longer but I'm starting to fade in and out of consciousness again. Must be that IV bag, I think and then sleep claims me once again.

...

The next voice I hear is that of my Captain. He's my boss but I know he regards me as the daughter he never had sometimes. I think that's the only reason I haven't been booted off the force yet. Me and my former partner both.

"Hello Olivia," Cragen says quietly.

I can imagine exactly how he's looking at me right now, with those dark eyes that hold a life story of loss and despair and overcoming depression. After everything he's been through, he's still standing and I have to admit, he's the closest thing to a father I've ever had. I feel closer to my Captain than I do to my own half-brother. It isn't blood that defines family. This unit is my family.

"I don't want to burden you with my worries but it's not easy to see you like this."

It's not easy to be like this either, Cap.

…

Nick drops by as well. My new partner. I haven't really accepted him yet and he knows it, but we're making progress. Well, I think _I'm_ making progress but I'm not sure he's noticed yet. He's trying to understand that it isn't easy for me and that I don't want to talk about it. It's too fresh. I just want to do my job.

…

It must be evening now. It's very quiet. I'm starting to identify the sounds in my room and the sounds outside my room in the hallway. They're definitely the sounds of a hospital. I hear pagers going off, footsteps speeding up, the sound of a bed or wheelchair being rolled somewhere. I'm becoming good at hearing the difference, too. Bed. Manual wheelchair. Electrical wheelchair. Walker.

And the footsteps of the nurses. I have no idea how many days it's been since I first heard the beeping but I'm starting to hear a pattern. These footsteps I can hear coming from a distance because it's so quiet. It's the night nurse.

Tonight, she's talking quietly with someone else and when they enter my room, I recognize the way he clears his throat.

John Munch.

"Hey Liv, it's me again."

Again? He must have been here before while I was sleeping. They can't tell the difference.

"I know it's getting late but I just wanted to check in with you. How are you holding up? You must be bored out of your mind."

He doesn't know how right he is, I think. I wonder what time it is. Probably past visiting hours because I don't hear anyone else in the hallway except for that nurse that comes over from upstairs to chat with her coworker at the nurses' station.

I know I'm in this room alone. Lucky me. Well, it's not as if I'd be good company if I did have a roommate. Sometimes I think I might as well be dead. How long is this going to take?

"I've been working with Nick and I thought you'd like to know that he's finding his groove in the unit. And the fact that he speaks Spanish has been a great help already."

Munch chats some more about work and I absorb everything he tells me. I know I must have missed that court date by now that had been so important, and I hope they've told Linda why I couldn't make it. I really wanted to be there for her when she would face her rapist.

"You know who showed up at the precinct the other day?" Munch continues. "Brian Cassidy."

I want to roll my eyes. I hope they haven't told Brian where I am.

"We told him what had happened so if he shows up here, you'll know who to blame," Munch chuckles and I wish I could glare at my old friend.

When he leaves after a while, I feel very much alone. I have another night ahead of me and I actually hope now that it's almost time to change my IV bag. I just want to sleep for a while so I won't have to think about how trapped I feel. I have a feeling they've decreased my medication. I feel less drowsy after they change the bags and I wonder if there will come a time where I will be so rested that I won't be able to sleep at all anymore. If I could just go out for a walk or something to clear my head. It's cluttered and I'm tired of thinking. My thoughts go in directions I don't want them to go. Remind me of the pain and loss in my life and the lives of people I care about. I try to think of nice things, hoping to have nice dreams when I eventually do fall asleep. I think of cases that we managed to solve, finding children unharmed. Those were always the best cases. I love children and thinking of their innocent faces and their smiles when they are reunited with their parents, helps me not to think of my own condition. I finally drift off to the quiet beeping of the machine at my bedside.

…

It feels like only a few minutes later when I hear footsteps again but it's probably a lot later. Somehow I know it must be close to midnight. The sounds of the hospital tell the time for me. I listen to the footsteps approaching my room and I realize I know exactly who is coming down the hallway. I would recognize those footsteps out of millions. These determined footsteps were next to mine for over twelve years. They'd fall into step with mine. We walked hundreds of miles together during those years. If I could, I'd hold my breath. I listen intently and I hear him slow down when he reaches my room. The door is open, slightly ajar as always and I can feel his hesitation. Is he looking at me? Or hasn't he pushed the door open yet? What made him come here tonight? Or has he been here before? And how is he doing? I've never wanted someone to sit down and talk to me more. He's still standing at the door and I imagine his blue eyes staring at me. Maybe there are even tears in his eyes. I wish I could see him. See his eyes. I want to tell him to come in but I can't. After at least a minute, he finally comes in and I hear him sit down on the wooden chair next to my bed. He moves slowly as if he's afraid to wake me. He sits in silence for a while and then I feel his big, warm hands close around my left hand. Suddenly, I don't need him to say a thing. He's here, and it's enough.

...

 **A/N 1: Well, I hope you like! Please leave a review or shoot me a PM or tweet to let me know!**

 **A/N 2: I have never been in a coma but I used to know someone who has been. She understood everything the people around her were saying, and heard them say she'd be a vegetable forever. She was able to tell us this because she woke up eventually!**

 **I apologize in advance for any errors of a medical nature in this story. It's based on this notion alone, of a coma patient being fully aware of her surroundings. If you're up for some drama, keep reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thank you everyone for your kind words after chapter one! In case you were wondering, this won't be a very long story and I will be returning to "Unexpected" shortly to continue that story as well. Meanwhile, here's chapter 2 of "Coma".**

...

2.

Amanda is nice enough but I just don't feel a connection to her. I think she's been through something but she pretends to be fine. I guess that makes her more like me than I care to admit. Maybe that's why I'm keeping her at arm's length for now. She gets along with Fin so she has that going for her. She's come to visit twice so far and I enjoy her stories about her dog the most. I'm very surprised when she comes in one day with a new visitor. Now how did those two get to meet?

"Here she is," Amanda tells the man.

"She looks so small," Brian says, his voice even hoarser than usual.

"I know. They're feeding her through that tube but she's lost weight," Amanda tells Brian. "She's losing muscle tissue too, because she isn't moving."

"My god, Olivia," Brian sighs and I know he must be covering his mouth with his hand. "What did they do to her hair?"

I wonder what I look like these days. Did they cut my hair or shave it off? I hope not! I've been here for quite a while. I've been wheeled in and out a few times for tests and the doctors have told Cragen that my brain activity is slowly approaching normal levels again in most areas. They're not sure why I haven't woken up yet and the intern has started preparing my faithful visitors for the possibility that I may never wake up. The first time I heard that, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. That resulted in an actual blip on my monitor and caused quite a stir in the room. Cragen had held my hand but I still hadn't been able to move. Trying to create another blip has proven unsuccessful so far and I'm beginning to wonder if the whole thing was just a coincidence. A glitch. It's like my brain is permanently disconnected from the rest of my body and I try very hard not to think about living the rest of my life like this. Instead, I focus on things to look forward to.

...

I welcome the quiet of the night now. Not because I like being completely alone, but because of my nightly visitor. I wait for him every night now and he always comes around midnight. He sits with me and holds my hand, and I feel more alive in those moments than I have since I was put here.

"Olivia."

My name falling from his lips hits me like a ton of bricks. It's the fourth night in a row that he's here and it's the first time he speaks. I want to cry. I didn't know how much I missed his voice until I hear it.

He is holding my hand and he's sitting close to me. I think he's actually leaning close this time and all my senses are expecting more words from him now. He can't just say my name and then nothing. There has to be more.

"Kathleen asked me to say hi to you for her."

Kathleen. His second daughter. I want to know how she's doing. I want to know how all of them are doing.

"I'm sorry I've been so quiet, Liv."

 _Liv._ Nobody says my name like he does.

"I know I should have talked to you sooner. I guess we're both not very good at that."

He chuckles and I remember another time where I apologized to him for not talking to him before taking off. It was just too complicated. That had been my excuse. What's his?

"You gotta know I was always coming back, Liv," he sighs and I believe him. I never stopped expecting him to come back, even if it's been almost six months.

His thumb is rubbing the back of my hand and it feels nice. I'm glad I can feel it.

"Maybe this is the right time. At least now, you can't yell at me."

Funny, Elliot.

He's silent again. Maybe he's sorry for his remark. I hear him take a deep breath and I imagine what he looks like now. He has a tormented expression on his face sometimes and that's what I am imagining now.

"What I wouldn't give if you would just yell at me now," he finally says, and his voice is trembling. "But while I'm here, let me tell you what I've been up to."

And he does. He tells me how drained he felt after shooting Jenna. It was like the weight of all his years at SVU combined had come crashing down on him at once. He was almost incapable of getting out of bed for a while, let alone pick up his phone or open the door of the Stabler family home.

"I know you called and I know you came to the house, Liv. I'm sorry but I just couldn't. Not then," he tells me sadly. "Kathy got sick of me after a few weeks and gave me an ultimatum: get help or get out."

He sighs and I know it must have been the only way for Kathy to get her husband to get up.

"I don't blame her, you know," he continues. "The kids didn't understand what was going on and I wasn't exactly good company for any of them. But I didn't want to talk to Huang. Not this time. He was still too close. Too much part of the job."

I'm starting to wonder if he got help at all, or if he had just packed his bags like Kathy had told him to.

"So one of my old Marine buddies recommended a therapist that had helped him after Desert Storm."

Alright. He _is_ getting help. That's good.

"I won't bore you with the details of the conversations I had with this guy," Elliot says, and I imagine his apologetic smile. But he can tell me anything and I won't be bored. Not while he's here.

"Kathy was really happy that I was getting help at first, but I guess this guy stirred up a little more than she had bargained for."

He rubs the back of my hand again and I sense that he's a little nervous. How could he possibly be nervous while talking to his comatose former partner? It's not like I'm going to say anything about it, whatever he's going to tell me.

"Long story short, I took a good look at my life and decided to leave her."

I'm stunned. Part of me wants to tell him he's crazy and to get his ass back to his family, where he belongs. Maybe he's right about this being the right time to talk to me. I can't argue with him now. All I can do is listen while he continues.

"I wish you could talk to me now, Liv. You're not supposed to be here."

I sense his emotions and I know we're feeling the same thing. It's a sense of helplessness that results in anger. He's angry that he can't do anything to help me. Maybe he's even angry with himself that he wasn't there when I got knocked out. I'm angry that I can't see him or touch him, and that I can't tell him anything.

I just want us to be us again.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't come here to upset you."

Can he tell how I'm feeling? Does he know I'm listening to him, hanging on his every word? I try with all my might to move my hand, to squeeze his, but my body won't listen to my instructions. Elliot changes the subject suddenly, and tells me about the kids. I try to memorize everything he tells me, about how they're doing in school and how big Eli has gotten. I want to cuddle that little boy again and when Elliot leaves eventually, I have this deep sense of missing out. Life is continuing out there, everyone is going on without me. But I'm not done yet. I want to join in again. I just have to wake up.

...

"It's been three weeks, Doctor. Physically, she's almost completely healed."

"I know."

My specialist isn't a man of many words but the intern insists.

"Is she ever going to wake up?"

"We never know that, Wyatt."

"But surely you have a few possible scenarios."

"There is nothing 'sure' about these cases, Wyatt. In fact, you have to assume she can hear you, so try to choose your words accordingly."

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Follow me."

Both men leave the room, no doubt to continue talking about me. So I've been here three weeks, and Elliot has started visiting me after about two weeks. Fin has admitted to me that not only had Munch's old partner been informed, but mine too. I don't mind now. Brian hasn't been back. He was never very good with the victims, I remember. Maybe seeing me incapacitated is too much for him to handle as well. Oddly enough, Amanda tells me he sends his regards. I'm wondering if there is something going on between those two and if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. Well, it's none of my business.

My coworkers try to drop by regularly and it's a welcome distraction. The new highlight of my days came as a surprise: Alex Cabot comes in whenever she can to read me a book. We're six chapters in already and I can't wait for her to read me the next two. It's a mystery novel of course, to stimulate my brain, so Alex has told me. Little does she know that it isn't my brain that needs stimulating. It just needs to find a way to connect to my body again.

After all my visitors have left for the day, I take a nap. I want to be clear-headed at midnight, so I won't miss Elliot's visit. I hope he'll talk again. Just listening to his voice will tell me how he's doing. I can't believe he pulled the plug on his marriage. He hasn't told me why yet. Maybe he thinks I already know. That I've always known. They got married because they had to, not because they loved each other but I thought they had made it work. So why now? I would expect him to need the safety of his home and the familiarity of his family life, especially now that the job has become too much for him.

I can't ask him. I will have to wait and see which information he'll volunteer, if anything.

The feeling of his warm hands closing around my left hand, wakes me up. Have I really been asleep that long?

"Hey Liv. I know I'm a little early today."

That explains how I was still asleep when he came in. Elliot is silent and I wonder if he is studying me. I can hear him breathing but he doesn't speak. I feel slightly disappointed. I thought he would talk to me again, just like last night. And then he suddenly tells me,

"I stopped by the 1-6 today."

I know how much that means to him. It's the first time he's been back since the shooting. How was it, I ask wordlessly.

"You know what the strangest part was?"

He pauses and for a moment, I think he's pretending that I'm responding to him.

"Naturally, flashes of the shooting came back to me but what struck me most was that … that you weren't there."

He squeezes my hand and I try to squeeze back, but to no avail. I wish I'd been there to support him. But that he missed me there … it moves me. I wonder if he can tell, somehow.  
Lord knows I've missed him there! It hasn't been the same without him. At first, I could pretend he was just on leave and would be back soon. But after Cragen told me he'd put his papers in … it really hit me then that my life would never be the same. Because the job is my life. And he was supposed to be in it.

"Looking back, I think you are the reason I stayed, Liv. And before you start thinking I'm blaming you, don't. Okay?"

I like how he talks to me as if he's completely sure I can hear him. It's like we're still connected in a way, no matter how disconnected I am from myself. But I have to wonder. Did he stay longer than he should have because I was too needy? Too dependent on him? I've tried to stay independent. To a fault, probably. I didn't want to lean on him but we've always had that special bond. He must have known I needed him, even if I would have denied it fiercely.

"My therapist asked me to think about what I would have done differently if I could do my life over again."

I frown internally. Would he have left SVU sooner? Left _me_ sooner? Before it all became to much to bear?

"And when I really started thinking about it … really honestly? It hit me Liv. And today just confirmed it. If I could do everything over again, knowing what I know now?"

He pauses as if waiting for me to respond. His voice is a little shaky and I wish I could see his eyes.

"I mean, I don't want to miss any of my kids. Don't get me wrong. But if I had known Liv … I would have waited for you."

His voice breaks and I can hear him moving, coming closer. I don't know what he's doing until I feel his forehead on my hand. He is leaning on me and I can sense that he's trying not to cry. But what did he just say? He would have waited for me? What does that mean? I'm afraid to hope that it means what I want it to mean.

I hear Elliot sniffle and he moves my hand, as if regretting disturbing me and putting it back where it belongs. He is sitting upright again and he isn't touching me at all anymore. I miss his touch already.

"I'm sorry it took me this long to figure it out Liv," he says quietly. "I can't accept yet that I may be too late. You look so … so peaceful. So whole. All you need to do is open those big brown eyes of yours."

I hear him wipe a tear off his cheek. I can literally visualize what he does by just listening to his movements. I apologize wordlessly for being unable to do as he asks.

"If I had known you were out there," he whispers, and he leans towards me again. I feel his fingers on my forehead and I think he's brushing some hair out of my face before caressing my skin with his palm. My heart is screaming for my body to wake up and I can feel Elliot's breath hit my cheek when he speaks again.

"I would never have slept with Kathy. I would have found you eventually. I should have known it the moment we met but I'm acknowledging it at last. We belong together, Liv. You and me."

He sniffles again and then whispers to me,

"I love you."

...


	3. Chapter 3

**A very short chapter this time, but I felt this little scene deserved its own chapter. The next one will be longer, I promise.**

...

3.

I can't believe I'm lying here, as if I'm completely unaffected by what Elliot has just told me. My head is spinning and my heart is hurting. I know Elliot is trying not to cry, but he's failing. He thinks he's too late. He thinks I'm never going to wake up again and I'm trying not to panic. Panicking hasn't helped me open my eyes before and it won't help me now. I listen to Elliot sniffle and try to regain his composure. When he takes my hand again, I know he's going to continue talking. I need him to talk to me because I need to know he'll be alright. Even if I never wake up, he needs to be able to go on with his life. He has so much to live for. His five children need him to be their father and in a few years, he will probably be a grandfather.

"I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean to break down on you like that. I don't even know if I could have told you all of this if you had been awake but … I really wish you'd open your eyes."

He sniffles again and I want to cry too.

"Even if it was just to yell at me and to tell me I've lost it."

He chuckles through his tears and I know exactly what he looks like right now.

"I miss you, Liv," he says softly and I know he's still choking back tears. "I even miss our fights. But most of all, I miss how you always understood me. I know now that I shut you out for too long. That I should have reached out sooner to tell you how I was doing. And to tell you about the decisions I was about to make. Because I know you would have been honest with me. I miss that. I _need_ that, Liv. I ... I need you."

He takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand, and I know I need him too. I live for his visits now, and for the feeling of his hands holding mine.

"I went to the chapel earlier, here at the hospital," Elliot says quietly. "And I prayed to God that you would be able to hear me. Because you just can't … you can't leave this world not knowing how much I love you."

He is silent after that. He doesn't move and I know he's looking at me. Watching me. Maybe he's hoping for a sign. Some kind of reaction from me. Or maybe he's just memorizing what I look like. I know that's what I would do if things were the other way around. I would have poured my heart out too, because I'd know it would be my last chance to tell him. I love him too. I've loved him for a long time. I felt guilty about it, because he was married, and I tried to love other men. But if it had been him in a coma, I would have done exactly what he's done tonight. The truth would have come out.

I wish I could tell him that God heard his prayer. That I have heard every word. I wish I could tell him that I love him too. I hope he's praying for me to wake up and I hope God will listen, because for the life of me, I don't know how to do it myself.

Elliot leaves after a short while. He presses a kiss to my forehead, whispering 'goodnight', and my arms yearn to hold him close to me. I hear him walk away and I wonder if he'll be back after tonight. He's said all he wanted to say. Maybe this was his way of saying goodbye. I am overcome by loneliness once again and then I feel it. There is a tear in my left eye, that is slowly pooling in the corner of my eye. It finds its way out and stays there for a while, suspended in time, and then slips down, slides down my temple and is absorbed by my pillow.

Nobody has seen it and nobody will ever know but me. My soul cries silently while my body remains still. Unaffected. Well, almost.

…

 **Your reviews are appreciated.**


	4. Chapter 4

4.

"I met your old partner yesterday."

Nick is sitting with me for a while before he goes to work. I had a restless night with panic-filled dreams. I've never felt more trapped inside my body than I did last night and in my dreams I was constantly trying to get to Elliot, but failing every time. I think I even dreamed I was dying once. But here I am, still in the same hospital bed, freshly washed by the friendly morning nurse, who has confirmed to me that my medication has been decreased. She always tells me I'm doing so well and I like her. She's gentle with me when she washes me and she tells me I'm beautiful. She's also told me that I have another scan scheduled this morning. I wish I could write on their computer screens that I am alert and awake, and not a mindless vegetable. But nothing has changed and I know Nick is a little uncomfortable. We haven't known each other for very long, after all. I do appreciate that he's here though.

"He's quite a presence. I can see why you miss him."

Oh Nick, if only you knew.

"Munch talks about the two of you all the time. I guess no one saw it coming, that he'd up and leave like that. Not even him. He says he's been to see you and I'm glad."

Nick sighs softly and then continues. It's nice to be talked to, to still matter to people.

"I hope you can hear us, Liv, or at least sense that you're not alone. I know I'm not what he was for you but I miss riding with you. Working with you. I will never forgive myself for letting you go down into that basement by yourself."

He chuckles softly.

"Elliot tells me you would've taken my head off if I had suggested going with you and I suppose he's right. You think you gotta do everything on your own but you gotta know Liv … that we're here for you. You're not alone, unless you wanna be, okay? So once you come back to us, just remember that. You've got friends who care about you and who want to help you when you need a little support. It's alright to lean on someone every once in a while. That doesn't mean you're weak."

Nick sighs again and I think he is probably wondering if he's making any sense. I wish I could tell him he is. I know what he's saying is true. I'm not the easiest person to get close to, and I'm the last person to ask for anyone's help. But if I'm learning anything from this coma experience, it's that I really do need people around me. I used to spend entire weekends completely alone but now I treasure every single moment that someone comes to see me.

When Nick leaves, I'm left alone with my thoughts again until the nurse announces I'm going to be taken to my next brain scan. I take in all the sounds around me as my bed is being wheeled to the room where the scanner is. When I can only hear a soft hum, I know I'm inside the scanner. Lying still isn't exactly a problem for me, so the scans don't take long and a little while later, I'm back in my room. I try to relax and sleep some more because the hours are long when I'm by myself. I don't have a lunch break, since food is being pumped straight into my stomach through a tube. That's the thing in my throat. I'm used to it now. I would just like to taste some food again for a change.

It must be around one when my next visitor shows up, and I'm happy she's here.

"Are you ready for the next two chapters?" the ADA asks kindly.

I'm more than ready for some distraction. The mystery novel takes my mind off my own circumstances and off Elliot for a while and I really need it. Alex reads beautifully and I can hear how much she cares about me in how she reads to me. Knowing that my friends - my family - really cares, is tearing me in two different directions. I helps me get through the days, knowing that I'm not alone and that people still value my life, even now. And it hurts so deeply that I'm unable to return that caring. To tell them how much I value their friendship and the time they are devoting to me. I know I would never have let any of them get this close if I hadn't slipped into this coma and I wonder sometimes if this happened to me for a reason. I'm not big on predestination because I believe we can shape our own lives, no matter what has happened to us or has been done to us. But when something like this happens, and I'm rendered completely helpless, I have no choice but to rethink that, partially at least. Maybe sometimes things do happen for a reason. Or the event that shakes up your life, can serve a positive purpose. But for this event to serve a purpose, I will need to wake up eventually. Or rather, reconnect with my body. Otherwise, all the lessons I'm learning will go to the grave with me unused.

I want to laugh at myself. Who would have thought I'd go all philosophical on myself? Alex is getting ready to leave, telling me about her next court case. I wish I could go with her, just to listen in. As it stands, I'd even be content if they wheeled my bed into the courtroom. I guess my standards are lowering quite a bit and any improvement of the emptiness I feel here at the hospital, is a huge win. Why hasn't anyone thought of going out for a walk with me yet?

I try to sleep a little after Alex has left. I have no idea if I'll have more visitors this afternoon. I can only hope Elliot will be back tonight.

…

"Excuse me sir, you are Ms. Benson's boss?"

"I am. Captain Donald Cragen. Nice to meet you, Doctor."

"I hope this isn't inappropriate but since you're her employer, could I ask you if it's correct that Ms. Benson has no living relatives aside from a half-brother who is currently out of state?"

"Yes. That is correct. But our unit thinks of her as family."

"I've noticed that. She has a lot of visitors."

"We all care about her and we miss her very much."

"Alright. And do you know an Elliot Stabler?"

"Yes. He used to be in our unit too and he's Olivia's former partner. He resigned a few months ago."

"Do you know if he's visited Ms. Benson here?"

"He told me he visits her at night, when no one else is around."

"I see."

"Why are you asking about Elliot, Doctor?"

"Well, he's listed as Ms. Benson's emergency contact but I haven't spoken with him yet. Your whole squad was here when she was brought in so I think the ER personnel just assumed he was with you."

"Alright. And you're looking for him now because?"

"Well."

The Doctor hesitates and I'm counting on Cragen to push him a little. I have a feeling that there is something important he isn't saying.

"Could we just step outside for a moment?" the Doctor asks, but I'm greatly relieved when Cragen tells him,

"I'd like to stay here, just in case Olivia can hear us. She should know anything you know about her condition."

 _Thank you, Captain._

The Doctor agrees and starts talking about brain activity in a lot of medical terms. I'm glad my Captain is asking for clarification. What it boils down to is that the brain activity in my prefrontal cortex has increased quite a bit since my last scan, and that's where my emotions are. They can actually see that?

"So that might mean that Olivia can hear us, right Doctor?" Cragen asks, and I can hear the hope in his voice. I do love this stern but fair man like a father.

"We really can't say things like that with certainty, sir. What it does mean is, that Ms. Benson is experiencing things. Other scans don't show signs of disproportionate distress, but she may be aware that something is wrong."

"What do you mean by disproportionate?" Cragen asks, his concern for my well-being showing again.

The Doctor hesitates and I have a feeling he's glancing at me before continuing. Cragen takes my hand and squeezes it.

"Well, we have noticed that her heartbeat is slightly irregular from time to time, a little elevated in fact. One wouldn't hear it on the monitor but the computer keeps score. This started a few days ago. That would suggest that Ms. Benson may have moments of some awareness."

"Can you link those heartbeats to visiting hours?" Cragen asks. "Like, do they happen when someone talks to her or randomly?"

 _That's it, Cap. Investigate,_ I think. I'm so grateful he's having this talk with the Doctor in my room.

"I haven't analyzed the data thoroughly yet. I wanted to discuss things with Mr. Stabler first before we decide on some tests."

I hear Cragen shift, and when he speaks again I can hear he's turned towards me.

"Olivia," he says softly. "You can actually hear us, can't you? You know when we're here."

I can hear that he's becoming a little emotional.

"I would like to ask Mr. Stabler to come in but the phone number we have on record doesn't seem to be working anymore. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?"

The Captain promises the Doctor he'll find a way to get in touch with Elliot. He doesn't have a phone number or address handy but he assures the Doc that Elliot comes in to visit me regularly. I can only hope he'll be back tonight. I'm still not sure after last night. What is there left to say now that he's poured his heart out with me? After the Doctor and Cragen leave, I'm left alone with my thoughts once more. At least the Doctor will contact Elliot, so he will have to come back. The outcome of my brain scan gives me hope that they will start realizing soon that I am alert and awake, even if I can't move. I can only hope that there will be a way to help me connect to my disobedient body again.

I drift off to sleep after a while, still thinking about Elliot. It hurts to think about him now because I know he feels so lost and useless when he sees me. I know this because I would feel the same way. I yearn to hear his footsteps come down the hallway again and to hear his voice. To know that he isn't going to stay away. I need him to continue making me emotional because that seems to be the way to make others see I'm still in here. My brain is supposed to be functioning near normal again in most areas, so I need it to start controlling my body again so I can open my eyes, speak and move. I need to connect again. I need to connect to Elliot again. I need Elliot …

...

He's here.

I know he's here even before I consciously hear his footsteps. I don't know how but I can feel it in the way my neck hair stands on end. Is it really standing on end, I wonder. Or is my brain just registering that response without it actually happening? I can't tell the difference. The feeling of goosebumps trickles down my back as I hear him approach. All my senses are on high alert, even my vision, albeit in my mind. I imagine his blue eyes, his receding hairline, his strong jaw and his white teeth as he smiles at me. Then his broad shoulders, his muscular arms, biceps straining against the sleeves of his dress shirt, and the subtle movement of his abs beneath his shirt as he breathes. I imagine him wearing one of those light blue shirts I like so much because they bring out the color of his eyes. A dark blue tie and a dark grey suit.

I want to breathe a sigh of relief when he sits down beside me and grabs my hand. Instead, my body keeps breathing normally all on its own. I suppose that's good, or I'd be hooked to a machine breathing for me. Still, it's strange that I'm unable to even hold my breath. And I would if I could when I hear Elliot's next words.

"Good evening my love."

If that doesn't make my heart beat faster, I don't know what will. He says the words as if he's said them a thousand times. My love.

"Cragen tells me your Doctor is looking for me but I wanted to be alone with you tonight. I'll come in to talk to him in the morning. This is our time together, right?"

It's as if the temperature in the room has just gone up a few degrees. I am getting warm all over. Did I just hear an extra beep coming from my monitor?

"I'm just going to pretend that you understand everything I say and that you're going to wake up soon. Otherwise, I think I'd go crazy," Elliot admits. "You can't leave me Liv. Not now. Not now that I've finally come to my senses. I know that sounds selfish but ... "

He sighs and then lifts my hand to his lips to kiss it softly before placing it back on the mattress. My fingers ache to touch his face.

He is silent for a minute and then starts telling me about his day. About how he's been thinking of me and everything we've been through together. How he started developing feelings for me, that he tried to dismiss at first. I was one of the guys after all. You don't fall in love with people you work with. My own words, he reminds me. I remember, but I couldn't stop my own inappropriate feelings for a married man from developing anyway.

"I tried to reason it away, you know," Elliot says. "I mean, you were my best friend. You _are_ my best friend. Of course I'd feel something for you. I'm supposed to have your back, like you have mine. We'd give our lives to save each other. That doesn't have to be romantic, does it?"

He chuckles softly and does that thing with his thumb on the back of my hand again. I can still feel where he kissed my hand, that spot is still tingling a bit.

"Well, it didn't have to and I didn't even want it to, but it happened anyway."

I picture him shaking his head. I don't know why I'm still lying here, completely still, as if he isn't rocking my entire world with his confessions. I want to scream that I felt the exact same way. That I _feel_ the exact same way and that I'm so done with denying it all. I _am_ one of the boys and Elliot has never made me feel like I was anything less. But the woman in me couldn't help falling head over heels for the man that he is. For years, having him beside me as my partner was enough. I told myself it had to be enough. But when he left … he left a gaping hole in my soul. I never got to have the man and now I didn't even have my partner anymore.

Yet here he is, baring his soul to me and telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. I didn't want to break up his marriage and I respected his choice to try and make it work, but that doesn't mean that I didn't want this … exactly this. Elliot telling me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Because that is what his words boil down to and I swear my heart skips a beat when he tells me,

"I'm never going to leave you again, Liv. Whether you wake up or not. I'm going to be right beside you."

His voice trembles and I know his eyes fill with tears when he adds, whispering,

"Until death do us part."

It's as if my own eyes fill with tears as well. It feels so real, I swear I'm crying. I know my soul is crying. Elliot will keep coming back here, even if he never gets anything out of it for himself.

I can feel Elliot leaning over me and I want nothing more than to open my eyes and see him again. I've missed him so much and I love him so much. I feel his breath against my cheek when he whispers again that he loves me. He's so close and yet so far away. He kisses my cheek and his lips linger there for a moment. Then he kisses my cheek again and moves his lips to the corner of my mouth. I feel like I can't breathe and for a moment I think I'm actually holding my breath. Elliot's lips brush against mine when he whispers my name. My lips are parting … I think. Did Elliot do that or did I? My lips are tingling as if there is blood flowing through them for the first time in a while. It's almost like that feeling when you've been sitting on your foot for a long time and you're trying to walk again. Pins and needles is what they call it and it's what I'm feeling now.

Elliot kisses me very softly on my tingling lips and I long for more than he's giving me. I sigh … and I suddenly realize I actually sighed. Audibly.

"Liv?" Elliot says softly.

He has pulled back and I can feel that he's staring at me. Then, slowly, he leans in again and I hope he will kiss me again. My lips are tingling less now. They feel like they're still parted slightly. I feel Elliot's breath on my lips and when he kisses me again, a sound startles me. Then I realize it was the sound of my voice. A soft grunt that echoes loudly inside my head because it's been weeks since I heard it.

"My God," I hear Elliot whispering.

My right hand twitches.

My right hand just twitched!

Kiss me again Elliot. You're kissing me back to life. I pray that he realizes this.

Elliot kisses my forehead, then my eyelids and my nose. Little butterfly kisses that make me want to smile. His lips brush against my cheek and then he kisses my lips once more, a little more firmly this time. My throat makes that sound again and then I am kissing him back. I actually move my lips to kiss him back and I am overwhelmed.

...


	5. Chapter 5

5.

 **Olivia's POV**

Elliot pulls away abruptly and I feel cold instantly. I try once more to open my eyes and I hear Elliot take in a quick breath when my eyelids start to move. Light hits my eyes for the first time in weeks and I close them quickly. My heart is pounding fast and my monitor is going crazy. I feel Elliot lean over me and I try to open my eyes again. It's not as light as before and I know why. His face is close to mine, blocking some of the light, and he's staring into my eyes, leaning on his hands that he's placed next to my head. I can see him for a moment and then my vision is blurred because of my tears. I can't believe I can open my eyes.

"Olivia," Elliot whispers reverently.

I want to say something but my voice isn't cooperating. I move my hand and I don't even realize I've moved it until my fingers touch Elliot's face. Elliot grabs my hand and presses his lips to my fingers. I think he just suppressed a sob. I feel a giant lump forming in my throat. I can't believe I'm actually coming out of this coma. I blink furiously because I want to focus on Elliot's handsome face. He's still looking at me while kissing my hand and I try to speak once more but nothing comes out. Then Elliot drops my hand. He seems uneasy when he starts talking to me.

"Liv, I'm sorry. It must be so weird for you that I'm here and ... I can explain …"

I shake my head and I'm so happy it's actually moving. I move my hand back to his lips to silence him. He closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again, I see they are red-rimmed by now.

"I've been to visit you Liv," Elliot tries again and I try to nod, hoping to let him know that I know. I open my mouth to speak again and finally I manage to say a word.

"El."

Fresh tears spring to Elliot's eyes and I know that he's understood what I want to say, although I can't seem to find the words.

"You heard me talking to you," he sighs and I nod again.

"El."

It's the only word that I seem to be able to form but it's enough for now.

Suddenly, the door to my room bursts open and the night nurse rushes in. She runs over to my bedside and her eyes widen when she sees that my eyes are open. I force a little smile.

"Ms. Benson!" the nurse exclaims. "Oh my God, I have to call the Doctors! Are you alright?"

I turn my head a little to my left to glance at my monitor and the nurse looks at it too.

"Your heart rate is so high … but I guess that's understandable when you're just waking up."

"Go on, I'll stay with her," Elliot says and the nurse gives him a relieved smile.

"I'll be right back," she promises, and then she's off again.

Elliot sits down on the edge of my bed and I think he looks very tired. I reach for him and my left hand ends up on his knee. My arms feel heavy, probably because I haven't moved in so long. I've been here for almost four weeks after all. Elliot places his hand over mine and just stares at me. He may be tired but his eyes are shining.

"So you know I've been here before?"

I nod and smile at him.

"I've told you a lot of things."

He searches my eyes for clues and I want to tell him I know everything and I feel the same way.

"El," I say and I'm beginning to wonder if that's the only thing I can say anymore.

"Liv," he answers, and when he leans a little closer I try to touch his face again.

He smiles at me but he seems concerned. Wordlessly, I ask him what's wrong. I know he can read the question in my eyes. He worries his lower lip.

"I … I get that you understand what I'm saying but … can you talk?"

I frown a little. I'm just getting used to have all these motor functions back but he's right. All I've said so far is his name. Other words don't seem to want to form. I open my mouth again and breathe out when no sound comes out. But I try again, and this time, I manage to say something other than El.

"I … yes."

Elliot smiles again and he seems happier than before. I want him to be happy.

"Happy?" I ask him and he chuckles.

"I'm so happy you're awake Liv," he sighs.

He leans close to me again and caresses my cheek.

"Happy," I repeat and he nods.

I'm aware that I'm speaking in single words but I'm just glad to be talking at all for now. The nurse will be back soon and I want one more thing from my beloved partner. I try to force myself to say the words. Elliot can tell that I want to say something and he moves his face closer to mine instinctively. Now he's close enough for me to touch his cheek with my fingers, despite how heavy my arm feels.

"El," I say once more.

My fingers trace his cheek down to his jaw, and then his lower lip. Elliot blinks and I feel a tear hit my hand. I don't want him to be sad. I just want him to -

"Kiss me."

...

 **Elliot's POV**

I can't believe it.

She is waking up.

It's been hell to sit with her this past week and not getting any response. Just when I was ready to own up to the truth, I feared that I was going to lose her for good. I had been trying to think of the best way to approach Olivia. I know it wouldn't be easy and she would probably be angry with me. I wouldn't have blamed her. Even after almost 13 years, we're still not very good at sharing our innermost feelings with each other. In retrospect, denial must have had a lot do to with that. I know it did for me. But when I was faced with her still form, not knowing for certain if she'd be able to hear me, I found the courage to tell her everything exactly as I feel it. I prayed that she would at least know I was there. That she'd know I hadn't abandoned her after all. And even after saying everything I wanted her to know, I couldn't stay away. I was ready to sit here by her side at midnight for the rest of our lives and just hold her hand and look at her beautiful face. I know that sounds dramatic but it's how I feel. She deserves it. She means the world to me and I owe her, after leaving the way I did. She's been through so much in her life and she's still the strongest, most resilient person I have ever met. She hasn't hardened her heart, no matter how much it hurts for her to remain compassionate, empathic. Each case chips away at her soul but she won't allow herself to shrug anything off. Every single survivor matters to her and she fights for all of them - even for the little girl she once was and for her own mother.

I know she needed me beside her in a way. She's so independent. So fierce. I think she holed herself up, living a solitary life almost as punishment for being born out of a crime. But everyone needs friends and I know I'm the only one she ever allowed to get close to her. Up to a point, I know. But I was honored to be that one person. I'm still honored to have been her partner for all these years. I had the privilege of catching a glimpse of her soul and I fell in love with her.

What I told her is the truth. If I had known she was out there somewhere, I wouldn't have looked at another woman. Olivia is my soulmate. She completes me in every possible way, even when we fight. Maybe especially when we fight. The thought of the passion and fury in her eyes often brings a smile to my face. Even when it's directed against me, I still love her because of that passion. It's what makes her Olivia and it's what makes me a better person. I'm a better person for having worked with her and I want to be there for her in every possible way, to somehow make her life a little bit better as well.

And now she's looking at me.

Her big brown eyes have opened and although she seems to have difficulty speaking, her eyes tell me she has heard and understood every word I've told her. And what's more, she tells me that she loves me too.

It's almost too much to fathom and I feel like I don't deserve her love and her forgiveness. While I had prayed for her to hear me, everything I've told her over the past few days had felt like a one-sided conversation. And now she tells me her side of it. And her reply is an unequivocal yes.

"Kiss me."

I try not to cry while I lean in to do as she asks. I know I'm falling into the abyss and I never want to resurface. This is my destiny. Our destiny. And I am overwhelmed with emotion when she kisses me back.

...

...

 **A/N: The instant I wrote that line, Kiss me, I knew I finally wanted to peek inside Elliot's head. I hope you like it! Please let me know in a review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Apologies for the long wait! I hadn't planned it this way but real life can take up a lot of time sometimes (as it should, right?). Another short chapter this time, I hope you will enjoy!**

...

6.

 **Olivia's POV**

My body is tingling all over. My arms, my legs, my chest and my back. Even my ears are tingling as if all sensation is only now coming back to me. I was able to feel it when people touched me but it's as if everything is doubled or even tripled now. Or maybe it's just the feeling of Elliot holding me, kissing me. I'm moaning and even the sound of my voice seems amplified. I gasp for air when Elliot breaks off our kiss and it feels so good to have control over my breathing again.

"Was that okay?" Elliot asks with concern in his eyes. He must think I'm fragile.

"Yes," I tell him.

He kisses me softly again and we both jump a little when the door opens and three people hurry into my room. It's the nurse, another nurse and a man. My intern maybe? What was his name again? I think it was Wyatt. I'm not sure if that's his first name or his last name.

"Oh, we didn't mean to interrupt," the night nurse stammers.

I smile at her and Elliot grins shyly. I want to say it's okay but somehow my mouth and voice don't cooperate. Elliot notices that I am trying to speak and turns to the Doctor.

"She seems to have difficulty speaking. Is that normal for a coma patient who has just woken up?"

The intern walks up to me and leans over me. I recoil automatically and he smiles. I know he means well but I'd like to know what he's doing.

"Sorry. I would just like to check your pupils," he explains and I remain still while he looks into my eyes.

"So how long ago did you wake up? Do you know where you are?"

I look at Elliot for help. He has stood up to give the Doctor some room but he hasn't gone far.

"Olivia tells me she has been aware of her surroundings the whole time," Elliot states.

He looks at me for confirmation and I give it to him with my eyes. He's the only one who can read my like that and it makes me feel warm and safe inside.

"The whole time?" the Doctor says, and he seems a little shocked.

I lift my hand and point at him. He looks at me expectantly and I finally manage to push his name past my lips.

"Wyatt?"

"Good God above," Wyatt mutters.

"He's definitely been watching over her," Elliot confirms and I smile up at him.

"Ms. Benson, I'm the night nurse."

I turn my head to see an eager blonde standing next to the other side of my bed with her colleague.

"It's so amazing that you're awake. I mean … I've been here almost every night for four weeks and … I … I hope it was alright for you."

I nod and give the nurse my best smile. I'm getting tired of all these impressions. I can't believe I would like to rest again after spending four weeks on my back in bed. I look up at Elliot again and I see instant concern in his blue eyes. Wyatt is making some notes and the night nurse and her colleague are basically staring at me, bouncing a little with excitement. Elliot moves close to me and I reach for him until he sits back down next to me.

"This is a lot to take in, isn't it?" he asks me softly as he leans close to me.

I nod.

"Yeah."

"You want everyone to go?"

I grasp his arm and squeeze it.

"Everyone but me, I mean," he says with a grin and my heart does a little happy dance when I see the glee in his eyes.

"Yes," I say and I'm aware that I'm grinning like a fool.

What I'd want right now is just to be held by Elliot and get used to being able to move and speak again. My speech seems a bit off, but with Elliot, I don't feel uncomfortable about it. He understands me without words anyway.

Wyatt pipes up again.

"We've alerted Dr. Hernandez, our coma specialist, and he's on his way now."

"That's fine," Elliot tells the intern. "I understand that you want to do all kinds of tests now, but could you give Olivia a few minutes to get used to all of this?"

Wyatt and the nurses agree and file out of the room, whispering among themselves. I breathe a sigh of relief and pat on the bed next to me.

"You want me to climb in with you?" Elliot asks, clearly surprise.

"Just …"

I sigh, taken another breath and try again.

"Just … hold me."

…

 **Elliot's POV**

It takes some shifting around before I can climb into the narrow hospital bed with her and Olivia actually giggled just now. It's the most amazing sound I've ever heard. I don't think I've ever heard her giggle before. Laugh yes, but giggle? She amazes me. She's barely said a thing to me yet but I know she's heard everything I have told her. I'm so glad I didn't hold back. I know I would have if she hadn't been incapacitated and that isn't right, but I'm just going to count my blessings. She's let me finish and she's had time to process it, too. She's been awake all this time. I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. I hope she will be able to tell me one day.

But for now, we're both on our sides and she is pressed up against me, one of her legs trapped between mine so we both don't roll off the bed. I don't think it's possible to get any closer to each other than we are now. Not in this position anyway. I have wrapped her up in my arms at her request. She wants to shut out the world for a little while longer while she gets used to being really awake and moving again. And also to being with me in a new way, I suspect. She has buried her face in my neck and I make sure I don't squish her face between my face and her pillow. She's caressing my back slowly and doesn't speak. We just breathe together and I'm content. She has come back to me. We still have a chance to make things right. To be together like we were meant to be.

I meant what I said. If I had known all those years ago that she was somewhere out there, I would never have looked at another woman. I loved Kathy but what I feel for Olivia is a very different kind of love. It isn't just an infatuation or a physical attraction. It's _knowing_. It's knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we belong. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now because I'm with her. There is no other feeling like it and I'm moved to tears once more.

I've cried a lot over the past week. It feels a bit strange but I can't seem to stop it. Even now, I feel tears trying to squeeze past my closed eyelids. I nuzzle my nose in Olivia's hair and hope the tears will be absorbed by her beautiful dark locks. Or what's left of them.

Olivia doesn't know it yet, but part of her hair on the left side of her head has been shaved off. I know she's had surgery because I can see the stitches. They don't seem to bother her because she's on her left side now and hasn't said anything about it.

"Are you in any pain?" I ask her quietly.

I hear a muffled 'no' coming from underneath my cheek.

"No headaches?" I check, just to be sure.

She pulls back a little to look at me. She wants to say something. I have a feeling that I have to let her try so I wait. Olivia takes a few breaths and seems frustrated. But then something seems to click and she says,

"Not anymore."

I can't help smiling proudly at her and she rolls her eyes. She actually rolls her eyes and I love her for it. I can't help laughing out loud and my heart skips several beats when she laughs with me.

"Two words," she chuckles and we both know what we mean.

Yes, she's said two words but she doesn't want praise for that. She just wants to speak again.

"Let's go for three next time," I suggest.

Her eyes are shining and before the full meaning of my own suggestion hits me, she hits me with the best three words in the world.

"I love you."

...

 **To be continued ...**


	7. Chapter 7

7.

 **Olivia's POV**

I'm exhausted. My specialist arrived in the middle of the night and he immediately ordered a whole bunch of tests. I was wheeled from one room to the next and Elliot could barely keep up. He hasn't left my side all night though, except when the Doctors forced him out of an examination room. Even then, he'd be right outside and back by my side the instant I came back out.

He is still with me now and I'm so happy he's here. My speech is improving a little but right now, I'm too tired to even try to say something. Elliot knows that. He can read me like a book and although we haven't really talked about everything he's confessed to me over the past days, or what I've confessed to him, just knowing how we feel is enough for now. All we have to do is look into each others' eyes and we know. Now that I'm awake and functioning again, I'm actually grateful that this coma happened to me. Elliot and I wouldn't be where we are now if I hadn't been in the coma. He assures me he would have come back to me and we would have talked, but this is so much better. He spoke from the heart - something he has always found difficult to do. And I heard him out - which would _not_ have happened if I'd been able to interrupt him! - and now I'm no longer afraid to admit I feel the same way about him. My life will forever be divided into Before and After my coma. And the afterlife is looking pretty good from where I'm sitting.

Yes, I'm sitting. I've been sitting up for a while now. My bed has been adjusted so I can sit up and lean back a little when I want to.

Right now, I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, preparing to stand for the first time in almost four weeks. Elliot wraps his arm around my waist and helps me up, under the watchful eye of Dr. Hernandez, Dr. Wyatt and Alice, the morning nurse.

Alice is so happy to see me awake and alert and I have thanked her for taking such good care of me. It's nice to finally know what she looks like. She's a sturdy woman, younger and also shorter than I had thought. She is beaming at me right now, while I place my feet on the ground carefully.

I'm standing. I'm a bit wobbly but I'm standing and everything is functioning. I don't even feel dizzy and I chuckle, all kinds of feelings bubbling to the surface. The others laugh with me and I turn into Elliot, planting my face against his chest. He wraps his arms around me and laughs with the others, protecting me from their curious glances while I shed a little tear. It's all so overwhelming and I know this day is only just beginning.

I pull myself together and attempt a few steps at the request of the specialist. Once he is satisfied, Elliot scoops me up in his arms and places me back on the bed. I try to object but then we laugh and he grins at me after setting me down.

"You're gonna kick my ass again soon enough, so I'm just gonna milk the situation for what it's worth," he tells me with a wink. I know he can't wait until I'm fit enough to kick his ass again.

I gesture at Alice, who walks up to me right away.

"Could you …"

I tap the feeding tube that is still in my nose.

"Oh, you want me to take it out?" the nurse asks. "I'll have to ask the Doc."

She turns to discuss my request with Wyatt and I look up at Elliot.

"Hungry?" he asks me.

"Starving."

"What can I get you?"

I'm not sure if I will be able to eat well so I ask him if he could bring me some soft fruits to test the waters. While he is away, Alice agrees to take the feeding tube out. It's a weird feeling and she warns me about the last bit. I squeeze my eyes shut when the last part of the long tube slides up the back of my throat and then through my nose, until it finally pops out. The nurse quickly hands me a tissue that I place over my nose. I'm not sure if I should blow my nose so I just wipe it a few times.

"I can get you something to drink, or is your husband getting you something?" Alice asks.

I can't help grinning like an idiot at the mention of my husband.

"What?" Alice asks. "Did I say something funny?"

"Husband," I say and I can see that Alice is getting the message.

"He's not?" she asks, pure surprise written all over her face. "Well, he should be! He's a keeper Ms. Benson! Better propose to him right away."

I laugh out loud at that and we're both still laughing when Elliot returns with some bananas, grapes and cake.

"I'll go and get you a drink with that," Alice says with a wink before dashing off.

"What was that all about?" Elliot asks with a hesitant smile.

I wave it off with a grin and Elliot accepts my non-answer for now. He sits on the edge of my bed and places his purchases between us. I reach for the grapes and Elliot watches me pop one in my mouth. I didn't know I had missed tasting things so much until I taste the sweetness of the grape. I close my eyes and hum contently. When I open my eyes, Elliot is holding another grape out for me. I sit back and open my mouth, allowing him to feed me. The Doctors leave my room once they see I'm eating and I'm glad it's just Elliot and me for now. Life at the hospital is beginning to start up. I hear the familiar pattern of footsteps, indicating that visiting hours have started. I wonder who will be the first of my coworkers to come in. My eyes flick up to Elliot's and he knows what I want to ask him before I even say a word.

"I called Cragen earlier. I'm guessing they all know by now."

"Okay," I say softly.

"Do you want to get some sleep before they get here? I can hold them off at the door."

As much as I want to see everyone again and thank them for their visits, I'm really tired.

"Stay," I say and Elliot nods. He scoots into bed with me, his shoes dropping to the floor as he kicks them off once more. I curl into him contently, my eyes already closing. As long as Elliot is here, I'm not afraid I'll slip back into a coma. With him, I'm not afraid to sleep.

…

 **Elliot's POV**

I can't stop staring at her. She loves me. She _loves_ me! She's been a real trooper throughout a night of tests and questions and it doesn't surprise me. She's always been one of the strongest people I know. She's determined to get well again and I know she will. No surprises there at all.

What does surprise me is, how she is allowing me to help her. How she admits to me that she's tired and how her eyes tell me what she needs. _That_ she needs. That she needs me.

I think we're different people now. We're still those Detectives who used to work together but something fundamental has changed. We always were a tight unit, the two of us, but now … I've never felt this close to anyone in my life. She has opened up completely to me and all it took in the end, was for me to open up to her. It took her almost dying for me to finally tell her how I feel and I will thank God for the rest of my life that I haven't lost her. That I got to tell her everything and that I'm finally allowed to love her, and for her to love me back.

I feel like I don't deserve her after all this time. I know I've taken her for granted many times and I hadn't known how much I truly need her until we were apart. Some nights, I can still hear the shots ringing in the squad room and I remember the all-consuming fear I had that the girl would shoot Olivia. She was unarmed, no vest, and in the line of fire without cover. They kept telling me it was a good shoot but I still have doubts about it sometimes.

To find Olivia again in the hospital, with a fractured skull, possible brain damage and no guarantee that she would ever wake up, ripped my heart apart. This is what I had always wanted to prevent. The feeling reminded me of those moment at the bus terminal, when I thought Gitano had slashed her throat. Still, I was able to do something then and she had been alright. This time, I was completely and utterly powerless. She was in a coma and nobody knew if she would ever wake up. I wanted to fight for her but I just stood there, empty-handed, unarmed. All I could offer her was the truth she deserved. My heart. My love.

She has accepted all of it. The truth, my heart and my love. And she's giving me her own heart in return. I feel like I can't stop grinning but I'm also tearing up all the time.

I hide my face in the crook of her neck and close my eyes, allowing a tear to slide across my nose until it's absorbed by her pillow. She is sleeping, pressed up against me and I never want to let her go. I think I can sleep now, just as long as I can hold her.

…

 **Olivia's POV**

He is sleeping. He must be tired too.

It's an amazing feeling to wake up and be able to open my eyes. It's something completely ordinary but it hits me again how trapped I felt for weeks when I couldn't. What is also amazing, is that Elliot's here. I felt trapped and alone when I was in the coma but during his nightly visits, it was different. I was still trapped but I didn't feel completely alone. It felt as if that connection that's always been between us, transcended the coma in a way.

And now, I'm awake and he is sleeping and I still feel our connection. I know I'm safe and loved and it's all I've been looking for without realizing it. My life was always about proving myself, proving to the world that although I should never have been born, I could still do something good. I wanted to justify my presence. To get justice for people like my mother and in the end, for children like me, so nobody would have to go through the kind of rejection I had to go through.

I think I never wanted to acknowledge that I was looking for this. For someone to accept me completely, exactly the way I am. For someone to be happy that I'm here. For someone to love me just for me.

My heart started beating for Elliot years ago. Behind his tough and pensive exterior, I could see a good man with a good heart. Someone intent on doing the right thing no matter what. I found out that we're not that different, he and I. We both had something to prove. He needed to prove that he was not like his father, who cheated on his wife. He needed to prove that he could keep his family together despite the pressure of the job. He wasn't going to be a failure, not matter how often his father had told him he was.

It amazes me that he has turned his life around the way he has. That he has acknowledged that his marriage, forced onto him and Kathy because of a pregnancy, has run its course. I never wanted to get in the way of his marriage but this time, I can see that it's really his choice. His therapist had asked him, what he would do differently if he could go back to the beginning of his life. It takes guts to admit that Kathy wasn't his true love in the end.

I am.

I'm still letting that sink in and it will take some time for me to truly accept it. When you hear often enough that you shouldn't exist and that you're unlovable, you start to believe it. Rejection becomes normal and second nature and it makes you reject yourself as well. Elliot knows that about me. He's one of the first people I ever told about my past, aside from Cragen. And Elliot has shown me very patiently over time that the things my mother told me are wrong. There _are_ good men in the world with pure hearts. And I _am_ worth something. He'd give his life for me like I would for him. That's an unbreakable bond. When he left, he didn't abandon me. He is here and this time, he isn't leaving again. He came back for me and I woke up for him. This coma brought our hearts together at last. I think I'm starting to believe a little that some things really do happen for a reason.

…

 **To be continued ...**

 **When I started writing this chapter, I thought it would be the last one, but I can't fit the entire squad as well as a proper ending into this chapter so there will be one more (I think). I hope you're still enjoying this despite the long wait!**


	8. Chapter 8

8.

 **Elliot's POV**

I hadn't meant to fall asleep and I wake up when Olivia nudges me gently.

"El," she whispers, and I open my eyes to look at her.

I feel that goofy grin coming back instantly. I love her so much and she's really here, in my arms, her eyes wide open.

"Company," she tells me, and I finally become aware of our surroundings.

We're still in her hospital bed, she is underneath the covers in her hospital gown and I'm on top of the covers in my clothes, my leg hooked behind hers over the covers. Company?

I sit up and look behind me to find our Captain standing there, smiling widely.

"Good morning. If this isn't a sight for sore eyes."

I hear Olivia chuckle when I slip out of her bed quickly. I extend my hand and Cragen grabs it with both hands.

"Good to see you Elliot. And good to see you two together."

His eyes settle on Olivia's and I grab the controls of her bed to help her sit up. Olivia reaches for the Captain and they hug. I bite my lip, trying not to get emotional. I'm doing that a lot nowadays but I don't want to in public. Not with other people around.

"Everyone is dying to see you Olivia. Are you up for more company?"

There is genuine concern in the Captain's eyes. He's always been like a father to us, and as happy as he is to see Olivia awake, I know he'd leave instantly if that was what she needed. But Olivia nods, squeezing Cragen's hands for emphasis. Her eyes are sparkling and when they meet mine, I have to look away because she's making me tear up again. The door opens, and more of our coworkers come in. Well, her coworkers. Nick comes in first. He's her new partner and I'm relieved that I like him. We clicked right away when I saw him at the station and he nods at me before heading over to Olivia's bedside. She hugs her partner and holds him tightly, whispering something in his ear. When Nick moves back to give the next person room to greet Olivia, he is as misty-eyed as I am. Fin is up next and he chuckles nervously when he sees Olivia awake and looking at him. He manages to keep it together but I know that he is affected as well. Munch follows and after hugging Olivia, he takes off his glasses and openly wipes at his tears. He claps me on the back then as if I haven't been away and it means a lot to me.

A blonde comes shuffling in - Amanda was it? - and I'm surprised to see Brian Cassidy with her, clutching her hand. They greet Olivia together and I make an effort to suppress the stab of jealousy I'm feeling towards Cassidy. I know it's been over a decade but still … he shared Olivia's bed once and I've hated him for it ever since - although I had no right to be possessive of her at the time. She'd still bite my head off today if I started acting possessively but I feel I have a right now. She's mine and I don't want that man near her. He's lucky that he has his new girlfriend with him. Amanda is explaining shyly to Olivia that she and Cassidy are together now and when she beams at both of them I try to let go of my jealousy. She never loved the kid and had told him it had been a mistake.

Amanda has brought Olivia a gift and I make room on her nightstand for the nice bowl of fruit with a helium balloon attached. I hand Olivia the drink that the nurse must have left for her while we were sleeping and she takes it from my hand carefully. I want to help her but she warns me with her eyes. She can do it herself. Of course she can. She's Olivia Benson.

…

 **Olivia's POV**

It's so good to see everyone again and to thank them for being here for me. At my request, Elliot explains to them that I'm having some trouble speaking in whole sentences but that I have heard all of them talking to me during their visits.

"Really," I say, pressing my palms together to visualise my gratitude. "Thank you."

They all nod and tell me how happy they are that I'm awake again.

Just then, another visitor arrives and from the astonished look she gives me, I know she hadn't been informed that I'm out of my coma.

"Olivia!" Alex Cabot exclaims, dropping her bag at the door. "Oh my God, you're awake!"

She rushes over to me and hugs me. I hear her sob softly before she whispers close to my ear,

"It's a miracle. I'm so happy."

It's almost too much to receive so much love from the people I consider my family. Alex takes off her glasses like Munch had done, and Munch pats her on the back while she dabs her eyes with a napkin. My vision is blurry as well and I feel Elliot's warm hand on my back, supporting me. I take a shaky breath and then focus on Alex again.

"The book?" I ask her and when she realizes what I mean, she presses a hand to her mouth and her eyes start watering again.

"You heard me read to you?" she asks incredulously and I nod.

"Do you want to read the rest of it?"

I shake my head and point at her.

"You," I tell her and I manage to add her name, "Alex."

"You want me to read the rest to you? Now?"

"Please."

I look around and Nick and Fin step out of my room to find a few extra chairs. They all find a place to sit around my bed, Amanda, Brian and Munch to my right and Cragen, Fin and Elliot to my left. Elliot sits next to me on my bed of course. I reach for his hand and he holds mine while Alex pulls the mystery novel out of her bag and finds the right page. Her fingers are trembling and she chuckles nervously. She takes a deep breath and when she starts reading the next chapter to me, I lean back and close my eyes.

Everyone listens quietly while Alex reads. She reads so beautifully and I will remember this story for the rest of my life. The camera never lies, the book is called. I've forgotten the name of the author but I can check it for myself now. It's about a photographer who is asked to take pictures of her friend's wedding and ends up trying to solve a murder. It's not too dark but I do feel a need to find out 'who did it'.

I open my eyes while we all listen to Alex and I look around this unique group of people.

Alexandra Cabot is a sophisticated lady but I know that deep down, she's as outraged as we all are about domestic violence and sexual abuse. She chooses different words and methods but our goal is the same. Get the scum off the streets and get justice in court for the victims. She won't punch a perp in the face but she will hit them over the head with the law.

Donald Cragen, our boss and our champion. He's put his job on the line for us more often than he should have had to. But he isn't just our superior officer. He's like a father to me and Elliot and he knows that if he should ever get into trouble, we'd fight for him like he has always fought for us. Because we're family. He seems very content to see Elliot sit close to me on my bed and he smiles at me when he notices I'm watching him.

And then there's Nick Amaro. I've told him that I miss riding with him too, and I can't wait to get out there together again. I think I made him cry but he deserves to know he's a good partner. He's part of the family now. Amanda too, although I'm still getting used to her. I hope she and Brian will be happy together. They both deserve it.

I look at John Munch, who has seen more than all of us and who still won't stop trying to lock up the bad guys. We roll our eyes when he comes up with another elaborate conspiracy theory, but the truth is, he lightens the mood and the squad needs that. Even joking about his coffee can help us take our minds of yet another gruelling case at times.

And Fin. My loyal friend who tries not to show it but I know he cares deeply about me. And I care about him. I was beside myself that time he got shot in a bodega while he was getting coffee for me. His knowledge of what goes on in the streets of the city and his down-to-earth mentality keep us anchored. I can't imagine the unit without him there.

Then again, I couldn't imagine working there without Elliot either. And yet for the past months, he wasn't there. I look at him and I see he's watching me. We've glanced at each other a lot over the years, but they were veiled looks when we thought nobody was watching. Now, there is no mistaking the love in his eyes and I hope he can see in mine how much I love him, too. He wraps his arm around me and tugs me close to him. I rest my head against his shoulder and I know I'm going to be alright.

I'm going to get a haircut before I leave the hospital. I haven't seen myself in the mirror yet but I've felt the short hairs on the left side of my head. It's all coming off, I have decided. A nice short cut. The part that's almost bald will be covered up soon enough. It's a new start, the beginning of life After my coma. I will have new hair to go with that new beginning. I'm not ashamed of my scar. I'm going to wear it with pride. We got the bad guy and I won't mind showing my scar in court when I testify against him. I'm already eager to start working again. I have some more healing to do, I know that. I will need to have speech therapy but I trust that soon, I'll be my normal self again.

Alex is wrapping up the chapter and we agree that one chapter is enough on this special day. She offers me the book and I take it, but part of me feels sad that this chapter in our lives is over. It's been our time, reading together. I look up at her and Alex is looking at me expectantly. I want to say something and I hate that the words come so slowly to me. Elliot rubs my back and it helps me to focus. I want to be able to say simple stuff again and I finally tell her,

"Don't be a stranger."

Alex grabs my hand and promises me she'll be over soon and we can discuss the book with each other.

"I'd like that," I tell her.

I look at Elliot, who looks so proud of me. It feels silly that he's proud of me saying two short sentences and I most definitely don't want things to stay this mushy between us. But for now I'm basking happily in these little moments. We still have so much lost time to make up for.

"So Stabler," Cassidy pipes up, and everyone looks at him. "Does this mean you're coming back to SVU?"

Elliot glances around the group and I watch him, suddenly eager to hear his answer. Having him back in my life is already so wonderful but to have him back next to me at work would be perfect. He looks at me and there is a light in his eyes. He pulls me close to him and kisses my temple in front of everyone. I bite my lip and wonder what he's up to.

"That depends," he says, and he's looking at Cragen now.

"Depends on what?" the Captain asks.

"Well, would the department allow a married couple to work in the unit together?"

The group gasps and mumbles and I feel hot and cold at the same time. What did he just say?

Elliot looks at me with a wide grin, and then his face softens and he asks me silently, wordlessly, just by looking into my eyes. I see the love and absolute certainty in his eyes and fresh tears well up in my eyes when I see everything I've ever wanted reflected back to me in those blue eyes that I have loved for so long.

"Will you?" he finally asks me, and I hear the others saying 'aww' and 'yes' softly. Elliot reaches up to cup my cheek with his hand and I cover his hand with my own when I tell him,

"Yes."

Everyone applauds but I ignore them for a moment when we kiss. I close my eyes and just feel for a moment. I just feel him and I know I've come home at last.

We break apart when Cragen clears his throat and when I look at him, I see tears in the older man's eyes.

"I'll have to run it by one PP but I'm sure something can be arranged. I'm looking for someone to take over from me soon anyway."

"Me?" Elliot asks, clearly surprised.

Cragen chuckles and then shakes his head.

"No Elliot. Your fiancée, actually. Would you have a problem with working for her?"

Elliot looks into my eyes again and never breaks eye contact with me when he tells the Captain,

"No sir. Not at all. I know we butt heads a lot, but in the end, I'll always do whatever she tells me to do."

...

 **THE END**

…

 **A/N Thank you all for reading. Until next time!**


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